Acceptance
There’s been so much on my mind lately. My mind is constantly over-thinking and over-working itself. This past year was filled with stress, anxiety, nervous breakdowns, sickness, and poor judgment. Can you blame me for needing some sort of recovery from that?
The starting of this New Year, I feel, has been nothing less than quiet, solitary, and segregated. I was definitely unaware of my behaviors, because for the first time in a long time I actually felt HAPPY. The routines in my schedule may seem boring to most, like I don’t have time to do a lot of what other people consider FUN. The most confusing thing of all, is people constantly tell me I need to take things out of my schedule, keep time open for friends, and be happy. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that I am happy. Contrary to their belief, the things I enjoy and the way I spend my time is, in fact, my choice. Not what I feel I am responsible to do.
The reason I feel happier is because I started doing things to benefit myself, and put time and effort into the relationships that I feel I can benefit and receive the same gesture in return. The people I no longer keep in contact with and the things I used to do that other people considered fun were no longer priorities to me. In all honesty, the minute I escaped that phase of my life, was the minute I realized what I needed to do. You may call it selfish, or boring. But I enjoy to be alone. I enjoy to write music and spend countless hours reading and writing. I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything because of these decisions. I believe its helping me understand myself in ways I couldn’t see before. Self-fulfilment is the only way I’m going to ever be able to find happiness in my relationships with other people.
It has been proven that the way we view ourselves and our personalities is the way others will view us as well. It’s a sad, but true, statement. When people are constantly tearing themselves down and are unhappy with the way their lives are turning out, other people are going to view them as people who cannot hold their own, or go their own way. I’m searching for my Individuality, for a positive outlook, and a driven state of mind. I believe that we can do anything we tell ourselves, even if it seems impossible.
I, myself, am not the only reason for my happiness. The craziest thing of all was, the minute I let God be the center of my life again, was the time I felt like things were actually going to be okay. Like I could live each day and not worry about the next. Like I wasn’t the only one in control anymore. What I lost sight of was the fact that God brings peace, happiness, and love. Three things of which I couldn’t feel anymore. My numbness towards most situations was simply the result of a bitter, hard, negative heart.
This is the first step in transformation: Acceptance. Not only to the way I was, But now, to who I am becoming.
-B.Fuller
