Living life, Feeling free
There are a few questions that have recently been raised in my life. Who am I? What am I doing here? and Why do I matter? whether or not you’ve asked yourselves these questions I am unsure, but I know the significance these questions have had in my life.
The first of these questions hit me like a ton of bricks this last year, when I woke up with a heavy and bitter heart. It kept repeating itself over, and over, and over to myself, “Who are you?” until days went by and I kept avoiding it. It was at the point in my life where I shoved God out completely, didn’t want anything to do with Him because I blamed Him for so much of the negative impact things were having on my life. It was naive of me to blame the one thing that put me on this earth, and even MORE naive of me because He’s the only thing that could save me from the downward spiral I was falling into. Finally I took the time to dwell on this question, and at the time, all I could think was how to distract myself from answering. I couldn’t get myself to think about the attitude I had, or the hard heart I wasn’t ready to get rid of, and especially numbness I had to any sort of emotion. It’s like I was stuck in the rut of feeling nothing, and I couldn’t even determine whether or not I really cared if I ever got out of it. It was affecting everyone around me and I couldn’t get myself to pay attention to that. ANYWAYS, back to the questions. One day, was all it took. I got out of bed and I thought to myself, it’s not so much who I am NOW, it is more of who do I want to become? because at the time, who I was, was not worth acknowledging.
I feel like with any of these questions I mentioned at the beginning of this post can be answered in one way only. Instead of thinking about the present, focus more on the future. “Look straight a head, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.” -Proverbs 4:25 Getting stuck in present situations causes me to over think and dwell on things that are better left alone. It’s amazing what happens when you have constant goals of self improvement. I asked a former acquaintance what he was doing with his life, and all he said back to me was “oh I’m just livin’ life, having fun.” I’d like to know where anyone got the idea that life should be something we just live with no care in the world. It’s one thing to live one day at a time, and another to live one day at a time and still go no where. If we live each day, with no goals, we will eventually find that we’re making no room for improvement. I don’t know anyone who wants to be the same person they were a year ago.
In any case, our lives are worth changing if change is what we need. And its no secret that God will show us that, Whether He has to let us get to the lowest of the lows to find Him. If you’re stubborn like me, then that was definitely the case. So I will not be mad at God for changing me, because He is the only one that knows whats best for me. and with God as my companion, I am “Living Life” and “Feeling Free” with the hope and the confidence that I am improving myself, and my relationship with Him and others every single day.
-B.Fuller
